The Altdorf Gazette/Issue 05
The Altdorf Gazette
Truth. Tradition. Tremendous Overconfidence. Established 2302 IC
Morning Edition 18th Vorgeheim, 2524 IC Altdorf
Felswald Holds Fast!
Noble Knockers Triumph in Controversial Blood Bowl Clash
Gnawbone Reavers Fall, 1–0 Match Continues Despite “Minor Substructural Complications”
By Otto Blitzenquill, Senior Pitch-Side Reporter
FELSWALD — The Noble Knockers defended their home turf in spectacular fashion, securing a narrow but decisive 1–0 victory over the visiting Gnawbone Reavers in a Blood Bowl match already being described by league officials as “entirely acceptable” and by eyewitnesses as “deeply concerning.”
The lone touchdown came late in the second half when Blitzer Hugo “Brickjaw” Falkenrath smashed through the Reavers’ defensive line and carried the ball across the goal line through claw, tail, and at least one misplaced ratman. Crowd morale soared. Referees remained upright. Victory was declared.
Then the screaming started.
Shadows Beneath the Pitch
Unauthorized Activity Discovered Below Field
Unconfirmed but persistent reports indicate that, during play, a group of local “volunteers” uncovered a concealed chamber beneath the Felswald Blood Bowl Stadium. Within this subterranean space, witnesses describe multiple snotlings operating a massive magnet apparently designed to influence the movement of the match ball.
Sources confirm the device was disabled before it could affect the final drive. The snotlings fled into drainage tunnels shortly thereafter, squealing and abandoning several pieces of inadvisable engineering.
League officials insist the interruption was brief, controlled, and “in no way relevant to the final score.”
The Gnawbone Reavers have categorically denied all involvement.
“We Win on the Pitch, Not Under It”
— Lothar Krumm, Team Captain, Noble Knockers
Captain Krumm praised the crowd, the groundskeepers, and “those brave souls who did what needed doing, wherever that was.”
The Blood Bowl Commission has announced a formal inquiry, which is expected to conclude sometime after the next comet.
Match Statistics (Official)
| Category | Result |
|---|---|
| Touchdowns | Noble Knockers 1 – Gnawbone Reavers 0 |
| Fatalities | Within Acceptable Limits |
| Referees Lost | Acceptable |
| Magnets | NONE FOUND (OFFICIALLY) |
Small Print
The Altdorf Gazette reminds readers that all matches sanctioned by the Blood Bowl Commission are fair, regulated, and in no way influenced by hidden machinery, arcane interference, bribery, or underground greenskin labor.
